the amazing world of Lemonseal

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

2005-03-23T00:16:00.000-08:00

gosh i just watched this movie last night. it's awesome!!!! one of the few movies that made me laugh and cry at the same time... how odd it is to want to erase all the memories of someone you used to love. personally i would nv want to do that, memories are what make us grow up and become more experienced. however in the movie, it had a positive meaning because thanks to the memory erasure, Joel and CLementine got back together, whereas they would have never done that if they had held old memories of their relationship's failure. is a fresh start like that better than coming back together, knowing how we have hurt the other party or knowing what he/she left us for?
it's amazing how ppl can hurt each other when they are in a relationship. they say things they don't mean, they keep other things quiet... the conflict that caused Joel and Clementine to break up such a beautiful relationship was resolved only within seconds when they met each other again, having been erased. On listening to their own fight in the past on the tape, Joel straight away said he didn't mean that and Clementine said she is not like what Joel accused her to be (which she refused to say last time). and so the misunderstanding was cleared. simple as that.

the movie made me think so much... i wish there were more movies like this to beautify your life and imagination. ppl who like movies like Amelie or A Very Long Engagement should definitely watch this movie. another thing i like about this movie is that it didn't tell its story in chronological manner, the ending started the movie and the movie ended with how it started... which is such a metaphor of relationships. the end of a relationship is the start of another (in this case, the same one)... "the end is the beginning is the end"... anyone remember that song?

rejections...

2005-03-18T00:30:00.000-08:00

even though i face it more than often, the bitter taste of rejection always gets me down each time like never before. it seems to be reminding me yet again that i am not good enough for this competition. whatever competition it is. living and studying here always feels like a big competition... most of the time i try to convince myself that i'm doing well, that i'm gonna make it in the end. however, now i find myself in question all over again. questioning my ability, my identity, yet all the answers seem to be running away from me and i find myself only falling deeper and deeper into a dark pit of uncertainties. who am i really? i seem to be good at lying to myself than anything else. i lie to myself everyday. and it's times like these that the ugly and painful truth is uncovered, i am nothing but a lousy person. a lousy daughter, a lousy student...
what have i done to make my family proud? besides the little things that i achieve here and there, NOTHING. i thought being able to get out of home, making it here on my own would get me to the top of the world. how wrong i was. it's only a big test that pushes me even further from being who i really am. i feel cheated. i feel played. by my own foolishness.
if only i knew earlier where i was getting myself into. i was getting myself into a world of tasteless society, where everyone is labelled and judged by his performance, where creativity is being killed slowly. i can't stand feeling guilty for not being good at something i dun even have to be good at. and the things i'm good at, well they aren't of much value over here. but then again. what AM i good at? languages? right... who appreciates it anyway. i think my creativity has died out a lot... all thanks to being too occupied with racing against the "machines". and yet i failed miserably. if only i held on to what i had...
now time is ticking out and i'm nowhere near i thought i would be.
if this whole life is a game then i'm definitely not playing it right.

i'm running high upon a deep depression...

2005-01-26T01:51:00.000-08:00

it's been a few days, and to my surprise, i have not been able to be happy for a single moment. there's nothing majorly wrong with my life. but after a week of being sick, seeing the amount of work, stress, laundry, mess etc piling up, it just really sickened me and i felt so unwilling to get on with my life. suddenly i felt like i'm not capable to deal with all this anymore. and last night, after a conversation with my friend/boss, i was convinced that i wasn't good at anything, that i would fail in whatever i do. this morning only confirmed it even more, i missed a tutorial because i couldn't find the class room. that was the last straw. i came back thinking i was the biggest loser and lost all confidence in myself. not even Gabe could cheer me up. i cried, even though i knew i had a meeting just an hour after that... finally i got myself together and went for lunch with Heshan and Neeti, after that i headed to the my meeting, even though i was 40 min late. ironically, it was the meeting that finally cheered me up. i was giving suggestions and ppl were following. wait a minute... maybe i'm not that big of a loser... after that i started allocating work among them, everybody seemed ok. and i started to think that we can do it, that the project is not mission impossible and even a person like me will be able to make it through. i'm responsible for building the site for a cruise company... i'm only in charge of the graphic designs and user interface... i hope it'll be ok...
during my depression, i tried very hard in finding happiness in other ppl like friends or bf, but i realized if u are not happy with yourself from within, there's nothing that can make u happy. so i hope today, after i have cleared my emotional mess, i'll be happy again and also able to make others happy as well. of course, if not for the comfort of having Gabe and my dear friends, i would have felt worse. Maria thinks it's one of my mood swings because i'm having my period. haha if that's the case, then i have pretty drastic hormones changes this time...
i was reading this online article on how to be happy with your relationship and knowing whether you are with your perfect guy... this is what i found:

"What if, in searching for that perfect man, we leave behind a perfectly good man? For each of us only time will tell. In the meantime perhaps what Julian Baggini says may help: 'If you can trust your partner and be yourself with them, virtually everything else can be worked on'. Quarter-life crisis or not, that you love each other is what matters most. "

a week deprived of healthiness

2005-01-23T08:29:00.000-08:00

sigh... for the past week, i've been sick and it didn't get slightly better till today... it started with a seemingly harmless sore throat, then i realized my gland is quite pain and swollen... the next thing i know i was already having a fever. the visit to UHS only made it worse. there were sooooo many ppl queueing to see a doctor that i spent 2hrs plus there just to see the doc for like 5 min. and all the doc gave me was panadol and lozenges. piss me off...
all that happened from wednesday onwards till today.
i went to gabe's place for the weekend. it was such nice weather the whole weekend!!!! it's so nice to wake up late, eat, then stroll in the neighborhood, just looking at the clear blue sky and feel the warmth of the sun on ur skin... gabe's parents are really sweet. makes me miss my own parents a lot. there's nothing like home, whoever that's still staying with his/her parents, please cherish your family, your shelter because before u know it, u already have to move out on your own and visit ur parents twice a year, or if lucky, more often. today gabe also brought me to his old house, where he spent the years of his childhood and teens. it's really nice, and odd, how you can just stroll back into your past like that. for me it's impossible to do that. my past is scattered all over the place since i have nv stayed anywhere for longer than 4 years. i think looking at your old neighborhood is a great way to reflect on your life, on your future. cos it shows you how far u have come and how much you've grown. i wish i could do that for myself...
back in my small tiny room again, gonna sleep soon to see doctor early in the morning tmr so that i don't have to queue. nite folks!

love is...

2005-01-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

a unique sense of comfort and acceptance and the feeling that someone else's happiness is as important to you as your own...

oh gosh this is oh so true... on top of all this, love's about being able to just give and give without even thinking of getting anything in return. if you still worry bout what u would get out of the relationship, then ur just ain't really in love yet. being in love also means you love just everything about the person, even if some of them are irritating flaws u thought u would hate in a guy/girl...

hmm anyone has better suggestions on definition of love?
haha..i'm hyping up the atmosphere for Vday... though vday is so overly appreciated that it's just too fake.

the sun is still shining! yay!

2005-01-15T16:10:00.000-08:00

hehe... oops, i dun wanna create the impression that i only blog when gabe is away. so yeah, here we go. new updates:
wednesday night, the first ladies night of the semester, and also the first ladies night when there are so many of us ppl in hall going together! it was really fun. we first had a "warming-up" session in siti's room. then we headed down to Zouk. it was quite cool to be dancing w my good friends again, esp Neeti, Heshan and Billy. haven't gone clubbing w them for ages! i was so smashed out after that though... the funny thing is that i was so tired and dehydrated that i could only sleep for like 2 or 3 hrs that night.... and ended up sleeping on and off the whole day of the following day. i went to bed at 1am last night (considered damn early for my standards) and woke up only at 10am today!!! wow... and today i still took naps during the day. and now i'm actually sleepy again.. anyway the cycle goes on haha...
yesterday me, neeti, hesh, billy, kek, moritz, vincent, ram all went to munchie monkeys for beer and dinner. there was free flow of beer!!! awesome ain't it?? it was fun chatting and joking around again. kek was pretty drunk after the first can of beer already. hahaha... so cute!
after that i had some bbq at block 3...hehe Alan was nice enough to sneak some satays for me. yay. then gabe called and asked me whether i wanted to go devil's bar w him and his friends. so we went. gosh devil's bar was nothing like i remembered! it was filled with ahbengs and ahlians. desperate jerks and bitches. now i know where all the desperate older working class ppl go to... i think from now on i'll stick to zouk, double o and other young happening clubs haha...
i'm gonna go gabe's place for the weekend.... and yeah. the weather has been great. really gets me into the moodz!! can't wait to go china town soon to check ou the CNY atmosphere!

yay the sun is shining again!

2005-01-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

it's such a beautiful day! finally i didn't have to wake up to a grey sky or rainy, cold weather. in fact, i was woken up by the most familiar knock on my door... yaps, Gabe came back early in the morning and came by my room. i was soooooooooooooo happy to see him again. it was wonderful... it's amazing what 1 week of seperation does to u, distance definitely makes the heart grow fonder. however, i still prefer him not to be away hehehe...
another wonderful thing happened today! after lunching with Gabe, i went to deposit money (yap finally got paid for my first magazine project! yay!), and to my pleasant surprise, the bursary money had already been deposited into my account. YAY!!! finally not broke anymore... i can think of getting a new phone by CNY. and i also plan to put aside some money for my Europe trip, if my sister is ready for it.
another good but funny thign happened... at the beginning of last sem, i posted an ad about my Film Art book online. but nobody wanted it. and i also didn't bother to take off the ad. guess what, yesterday someone messaged me and he's meeting me today to buy the book from me! *gasp* i dun even remember the price i wanted to sell it at!! but anyways, some extra cash is always good. i'm also selling another book soon. yay can buy new textbook w that money already. *happy seal*
and that's not all, Moritz came back yesterday and brought back presents and cake for me (the special german xmas cake!!! yay!!! haven't had them for years!!!)... finally can speak german again, although it felt weird speaking again after 1 month. guess i need to practise more again.

first day of school...

2005-01-11T03:40:00.000-08:00

gosh. i was SOOOOOO tired when i woke up today at 730am... considering the fact that i slept at 3:30am, it's quite an achievement that i stayed up throughout my 8-10am lecture. afterwards i had another lecture from 10-12, luckily i had Erin sitting the lecture with me, so we kinda took turns to fall asleep. hahaha... nah actually i dozed off more than Erin. then in the afternoon, the strangest thing happened. i came back and took a nap... i dreamed that Gabe was caught in the rain on the silly mountain. he was so drenched and they couldn't climb up higher nor down. i woke up and was soooo worried for Gabe. it's definitely not fun to dream something bad about ur sweetie. i could hardly concentrate on anything else... Billy kept assuring me that Kinabalu is a safe place and blabla... then i went down for Tea in hall for some distraction. it turned out to be quite nice cos everyone was there. i was hugging and greeting one after another (vincent is back with a new charming haircut!!)... anyway, i came back to my room to find Gabe's messages on my msn... i missed him just by 2 minutes!!! i felt like whacking myself man... i could have talked to him if i was back just a bit earlier... ah well, at least i got to know that he's safe and sound. but one freaky thing is that... it DID rain throughout the time they were climbing... am i psychic or what :S anyway i miss my sweetie sooooooooo much. i'll only get to see him on wednesday though. sigh...
i went out with David for dinner. it was nice hanging out and talking and stuff... but sadly he was really troubled with a conflict with his gf, so it was kinda tense. i hope he feels better soon...
the day ended with me, Neeti and Heshan hanging around together, talking crap for a couple of hours. it's been awhile since we 3 last talked for so long. it was nice...
Trang is back!! YAY!! i'm gonna see her tmr... then Moritz is gonna be back in the afternoon. he's gonna bring me presents from Germany. yay can't wait can't wait. and at night Gabe will be back too! what a jackpot day man. hahaha...shit i needa sleep now... nite folks!

the end of DA holiday...

2005-01-10T02:27:00.000-08:00

so that's it. 5 weeks of holiday is officially over. my last day of holiday was well spent i guess. Shinyee and her mom took me to Ikea for awhile, then we headed to Shinyee's home for dinner. her mom made great chinese dishes (deep fried cereal prawn, ducks meat, pork's tongue etc)... yaps. i was stuffed soooo full today... then we watched some charity show on TV... if yesterday i felt all vietnamese while eating the vietnamese food and all, today i felt more chinese than ever b4 cos i was talking in chinese to shinyee's mom and watchin chinese TV. haha this is the result of having spent ur childhood at different places, u sort of feel like u have multiple roots. the same thing happens to me also when i eat german food or speak german again... that nostalgic feeling leaves me questioning myself all over again who i really am or where i really belong to.
i have 8am lecture tmr, which is exactly in 6 hrs... and i'm still waiting for my clothes to dry! argh... it was a long battle to even get a free dryer.
tonight i was planning to finally resume reading Da Vinci Code when my friend messaged me to ask bout my project group...and kinda let me interview his friend, richmond, who wanted to join my group, on msn. in the chatroom there was another guy, richmond's friend... so we 3 ended up talking... quite funny that i've nv even encountered them in school before, even though soc is so small... actually, technically, i must have met one of them cos he was from one of my tutorial classes in year 2. but considering my lousy memory, i guess that doens't make a difference.
oh it's time to collect my laundry! yay!!! just now i was picking out somebody else's boxers from the dryer when the owner came up to collect it... so embarrassing... and silly me couldn't think of anything else to say than "err... do u have a basket?" cmi...

what a lucky day...

2005-01-09T04:00:00.000-08:00

hahah u wouldn't believe this... at the beginning of last sem, i lost an office chair and my beloved Duckie softtoy. i left it at my friend's room to keep for holidays, and when he moved it went missing. i was pretty upset cos i really love that duckie, a bday present my close friend at home gave to me. miraculously, today, after 6 months, Billy found the chair with the duck on it on the corridor in block 5!!!! just like how it was left... i was sooooooooo happy!!! gonna give my duckie a good wash tmr. i presume that someone took the unattended chair (with the duckie on top), used it for one sem, then returned it to where he found it as he moved out. after all, a bulky chair isn't what u would wanna carry around. i forgive him for that act since he was "kind" enough to even return my duckie!!! it means a lot to me hehehe. anyways, was really funny that everyone in hall knew bout it. and as i found it, everyone was really surprised but happy for me as well.
today I took Neeti and Billy downtown to have vietnamese food again. aaaahhhhh.... i looooove vietnamese food. im' so happy i'm a vietnamese to enjoy viet food lifelong haha... it was pretty fun, it's been so long since we went out w Billy. although it was just 3 of us, we were chatting and joking all evening. it brought back memories too... Billy was one of the first friends i made when i came to hall (even before Neeti :P), so i'm happy that we are still close now. he's been telling us lotsa stories bout canada and stripclubs!! :P. very interesting
oh and i found out that Erin is taking Financial Accounting as well! and we didn't even plan to take this together. how fated is that!! at first i was kinda sad that this sem me and erin aren't doing any modules together... but now i'm happy hehehhe...
i also did some reading today... hehe read around 20 pages of da vinci code.... still FAAAR from finishing it though. sigh... nvm, tmr is a new day! if only i'm not such a pig and sleep so much.
speaking of which, its time for me to turn in now. hehe... nite folks.

can changi airport be more happening???

2005-01-08T03:00:00.000-08:00

the long wait has finally come to an end. today we went to changi to pick up Neeti and also hung around till Billy's arrival. it was sooooo nice to have have them back again. although neeti was only gone for 1 month, as needy as i am towards my "mummy", that was long enough! then to my surprise, i bumped into Nishi and Adnan... and just minutes later, Usman came out *surprised*... out of all times they all landed at around the same time...isn't that amazing haha. then we came back to hall to settle down, have dinner, then supper... it was fun. All of us were busy updating each other, recap some old private jokes etc... the Mango salat (courtesy of Maria) and homemade brownies+cake (courtesy of Neeti) ended the night well. almost everyone was back in the RH kitchenette. it felt good to have everyone back again, i guess that's because this has been the first time i stayed thru the vacation, so the awareness of everyone's absence was more intense. usually i'm one of those backcomers haha...
today i received my sweetie's email! was so surprised... i didn't expect to hear anything from him till at least Sunday. really can't wait till wednesday when i'll get to see him again.
ok time for me to turn in now... just finished watchin one episode of SATC (my 2nd round now)... i think all girls should watch SATC at all points of their lives. every single episode is a lesson, or a story told that seems to be happening to everyone of us girls. i felt great watching them when i was single, but now that i'm attached, it felt great to watch as well, it's like i get to see both sides of the story now compared to last time.

emotional...

2005-01-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

well, today is the 2nd day of my last week of holidays. thank God i'm better now. decided to go out to meet Sylvie, who just got back yesterday and is terribly homesick+missing her fiancee. we met up in West Mall, then i went to her place to hang out and have dinner. was pretty nice and cosy. we had nice talks about relationships and it kinda dawned on me that i have yet so much more to explore and find out about my own. i felt pretty tired though, must be the aftermath of my food poisoning... i miss my sweetie. i hope he's fine and safe and not stressed out about his FYP while he's on that silly mountain.
manz i'm so tired, and my vision doesn't seem to be very clear. i wonder why... i should really start cleaning up my room to get ready for the coming sem. and do some laundry too. *yawn* nvm, i'll watch some satc and chat first. hehehe

2005-01-04T22:01:00.000-08:00

snapshots of me and gabe in Malacca

2005-01-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

me at Townsquare, in Malacca. (in front of Christ Church)

only 1 week left...

2005-01-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

manz... can't believe i haven't updated this blog since almost a month ago! this holidays has definitely been fun and busy too. i managed to do 2 magazine projects, go to malacca, go out shopping at least once a week, clubbing at least once a week, and just 2 days ago, I managed to get food poisoning. sigh... today gabe left for Malaysia, Mt Kinabalu for one week. so this week shall be completely devoted to my friends who are here and who are coming back. Neeti is coming back this Friday! yay!!!! Billy too! so we're gonna pick both of them up from changi. haha can't wait. then Trang and Moritz are coming back on the 11th. then on the 12th Gabe will be back already heh... school is starting next monday. i have an 8am lecture!!! sigh... i shall start scouting for 2nd hand books and sell mine as well.
i'm actually pretty glad that i stayed this holiday, mainly cos i managed to do lots of impt things (besides all the fun stuff), e.g. settling my bursary acceptance form and apply for my honours. it's such a huge relief that i managed to get into the honours program, meaning i'd be studying for another year instead of graduating next sem. i've just always felt that i'm not ready to graduate yet, that 3 years just ain't enough for me to fully enjoy my uni life. i'm pretty excited bout the challenging semesters to come. it's going to be tough, but it's all worth it.
there's one more thing i haven't completed this holiday though, which is to finish reading Da Vinci Code. hehe so my next mission is to finish off that book b4 gabe comes back, else he'll kill me. i also wanna read Siti's book on this shopaholic girl. darn forgot the name... and not to forget, lots of catch up on my magazine readings... i have like 3 unread magazines in my room :0...

never longed for the sun this much...

2004-12-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

as you can see, i've posted pix of me at sentosa today... it was really fun... me and Siti were lying on the beach reading books (i finally resumed reading The Da Vinci Code). it was cloudy and yet i got sunburnt... weird. we also played frisby (i make a VERY lousy monkey!). overall, i enjoyed being at the beach just breathing the fresh cool seawater air, relaxing and reading while hearing the waves splashing against the shore... occasionally there were some weird guys talking to us or videotaping us, but apart from that, everything was cool. Alan was sooo sweet to have dragged me and Siti to sentosa even when it was drizzling and we both didn't wanna go. it feels so good to be finally at a different place other than my room, campus or town. i also bumped into friends on the beach... such a happening place man.
i'm super tired now... dun think i can work now. sighzzz... nvm. i got the whole day of tmr to make up for that.

2004-12-12T05:13:00.000-08:00

Baywatch babes. hehehe...

2004-12-12T05:12:00.000-08:00

me, siti and alan

2004-12-12T05:10:00.000-08:00

me and siti at sentosa beach

2004-12-10T21:08:00.000-08:00

test test

watching the rain fall down...

2004-12-09T22:51:00.000-08:00

argh the weather is so shitty, i wake up everyday feeling cold and sneezy... finally did some minimal changes to my blog to make it easier to read. turns out i'm not gonna be that free this holidays after all. Yesterday David and me met for dinner to talk about business and *ahem* some other stuff... anyways, i'm now loaded with work (magazine layout) to be completed by the end of the month. argh i haven't even finished reading my own magazines sniff... neverthless, i shall not let this spoil my holiday mood. tmr i'm planning to go to a hip hop fest at the beach (too phat is performing too). then sunday, if the weather is good, we are heading to sentosa beach again to chill and suntan.
hehe chuin if ur reading this... GO FINISH CLEANING UR ROOM!! hehehehehe... pissed? heh then go and write ur own blog and tell me to start work.
oh yeah, i've found my dreamphone. Nokia 6230. mp3 player, video camera etc all in one.
ok it's raining again. what the heck... even though the sound of the rain is very soothing, it still casts a gloomy mood over me...
"i wish the raindrops on the glass would let me join their dance,
i'd spin and twirl and laugh with them and drown my thoughts per-chance."
holidays turn out to be not so boring after all, if only the rain could stop...
i've found the object to paint. sunflowers. i wanna paint them and hang it to brighten up the room.

When I look to the sky
-by Train

When it rains it pours and opens doors
that flood the floors we thought would always
keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships
we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won’t seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

Ain't it a beautiful song? aaah....

my new poem

2004-12-07T13:13:00.000-08:00

just wanted to share my latest poem... wrote it the other day when i saw the sunset from my window.

When night falls...

The last rays of sunshine,
glittering and golden,
are escaping from the horizon...

Birds are soaring away,
swimming in the warmth of the day,
for one last time...

Flowers are swaying in the breeze,
flaunting their seductive colours,
to bees and butterflies,
before night falls...

Yet...

The warmth of the sun still lingers in me,
my thoughts of you are soaring in the nightsky,
and I'm starting to see,the beautiful colours of love, of hope,
blossoming on every single star,
seducing millions and millions of young hearts near and far...

And secretly, I make a wish,
for the night to last forever,
for the stars to twinkle forever,
for you to lie in my arms forever...

starving hurts the soul when you are hungry for some love...

2004-12-07T10:44:00.000-08:00

ok... so much for my webdesign creativity... i ended up not having time to really sit down and look at the html stuff to play around with. soon after i created this blog, i went to watch 50 First Dates in Siti's room. the movie was sooooo bittersweet. the great thing about this love story is that the guy accepts the fact that the girl will have to get to know him and fall in love with him all over again every single day... it just makes me wonder how 2 ppl can fall in love with each other within just one day. it takes ppl months, maybe years to fall in love... how deep does the connection have to be to bring love within such a short span of time? u might say that it's the wonder of Hollywood again, making everything just so magical and romantic... but i do hope that such beautiful love exists and that i will experience it one day...
love is so hard to find so cherish it and dun let it go if u've found it...

weee my first post!

2004-12-07T04:40:00.000-08:00

wow it's been ages since i last wrote an online blog or journal... i guess now is a perfect time to start a new blog since i've learnt some web designing over the sem, shall experiment with this blog template...
more to come later... now just gonna play around w the technical part of this blog...